Monday, June 3, 2013

Summer times

Online dating...internet ads will tell you it's the ultimate way to broaden your social horizons. Commercials will simulate through actors that its where to go to find the love of your life. Then Horror stories from blogs like mine may tell you it's the place to find kinks and freaks. The truth is, it's both extremes and everything In between. 

As I suspected it would, just like PoF and OkCupid traffic increased just before the holidays, it has picked up once again just in time for summer flings to heat up the nights. So what becomes of all the rapid-fire messaging and rushed attempts for some summer lovin? Everything and anything you can imagine.

Depending on what you portray in your own profile and selectivity on who you message or reply to, you can meet the best and the worst people in your area. Actually, even outside your area. 

If you stay online long enough or go on enough dates, you will meet the person who looks nothing like their profile photos (in the unfortunate way) and the person who looks exactly the same in every photo because they literally never change their facial expression. You will meet the person who you feel like you've known forever and the person who makes you wonder how they conned you into a date in the first place. You'll meet the person that could become your next best buddy or your next personal nemesis.

So when does it become just too much online dating to handle? When is enough, enough? Here are a few suggestions:

1) when you mix up stories between dates because you're too ADD to date just one person at a time

2) when you rely on PoF to provide a rebound after every real attempt

3) when you recognize the entire mini bar of sample profiles in your menu

4) when you receive multiple messages a week from old conversationalists asking you why you're still on the site

5) when you start sending messages like this...

And what impression were you trying to make exactly?

The bigger question that I think people ask is, is online dating worth it? Or do they wonder that if you've reached the point of needing online dating to find someone special, should you just end your hopes of reproduction and contribution to the species altogether? Well according to this guy, we are just negative Nancy's.

But then there are guys like this one who believe women may be caught up in the crazy world of hook ups but will eventually come to their senses.

So is online dating worth the hectic, nerve racking scenarios we put ourselves through. I honestly don't know. I just know that no matter where you are going to meet your future person, remember this, that was the way for you (and potentially only you) because ultimately, we all start out as strangers. 

-Yours Truly

Monday, May 20, 2013

Contradictions And Awkward Conversations

Soooo I disappeared for a bit. Oops. I apologize because I'm sure that you missed seeing weekly updates on creepy and weird people online, right? right. Well don't worry, even though i wasn't posting, I've been saving material for when I finally got the gumption to post again. I've been learning how to fudge around with all of my iPad apps so hopefully this turns out ok.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before but often I receive emails on PoF inviting me to attend a PoF singles event (as opposed to what exactly? Couples who are looking to swing event?) and it seems to be sent out to those who have their zip code within a certain range of the planned shindig. Well I received such an invite under my fake male account, but it wasn't for any sort of mixer, no party for both genders. It was strictly a "How To" session for men when they meet women, perhaps on the first date after a bit of online chatting I guess. 

I wonder if they specifically address how to approach ladies like this?

Or this...

Just bring along some drugs and she will probably be just fine.

Now as I understand it, men are often intimidated by a woman who loves to dance, especially if they're good at it. Well imagine a guy's face when he reads something like this...

And for those of you who are still somewhat innocent and don't partake in the local ghetto club scene or watch rap music videos all the time...

Learn something new every day...

But now don't think that all the pressure is always on the men. There are plenty of examples of men's profiles that when I read them, I have no idea where I would begin starting a conversation with that person if I had to, without making a rude or sassy comment that would most likely offend them.

Um....the girl mentioned above probably would ^^^. Or perhaps these ladies. They seem to be practicing for their big debut. Isn't this how Megan Fox got her role in Transformers?

Perhaps I'd ask johnfrancis1221 why do you have $5,000 to spend on making a video. Unless you do this all the time. Gross...

Dude, that kid does NOT know who you are. Also, I realize that your caption says cousins, but this still appears to be a new family photo. It looks like we have the cute mommy, the handsome daddy and the baby whose trying to figure out if you're really hers or not.

That is a shit ton of pictures, sir. And weird ones too. Why not just cut to the chase and send me your family album? And why are half of the photos of food? Also, your cat is showing his junk.

These next two guys, I just wanted to slap. Read their catch phrase and then their line if Intent.

"your search new ends"...yeah, until tomorrow.

"Look no further"...until you want a date for that wedding on Saturday. Then, you might need to check Facebook for who is free is weekend.

Well hopefully this longer than usual post will make up for my absence. If not, well nice knowing you. Sorta, 

-Yours Truly

Thursday, April 11, 2013

What are you on?

These are the latest screen shots of messages that make me wonder how the species has survived this long. I suppose the answer is purely: the human sex drive.

The last message is from the fello that on our first (AND ONLY) date, told me he likes to be dominating and put his hand to neck. Do you really think i would have forgotten you and you're going to get a reply???

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Just Some Extras until I figure out how to post on an iPad

I like this girl. She keeps it real.

Nothing says BFFs like a butt pic side by side.

But in all seriousness you haven't lived until you find someone online who is just so mature and considerate to spankings?

One Fish, Two Fish, Smart Fish, Dumb Fish

What makes two people of equal attractiveness stand apart from one another? Personality. You could be the most gorgeous girl in the world, but if you have a snarky attitude, a guy isn't going to like you (unless he's snarky too. Then you two belong together. Have fun!) Or guys, you could have the six pack and the gorgeous buff arms to get that girl's attention, but if you don't have any real ambition in life, a self-motivated girl isn't going to be interested for long.

This seems to be a very hard thing for people to grasp sometimes so I'm going to break it down for you...YOU ATTRACT WHAT YOU PORTRAY.

The reason I bring this up is because I've been shocked as to how women are choosing to present themselves for online dating. So many of them are straight out rude and trying to put the guys in their place before they could have possibly offended them.

We all want to be treated well and not be taken advantage of, but for God sakes, be respectful!

Honey, if you respond to his message, that should be a pretty good indicator that you're interested. But hey, what do I know. If you respond and you're kind to him, of course you're not attracted to him!

But really, how do you expect to enter into a positive, healthy relationship with this kind of attitude?

"Get In Line"

And this girl just keeps on going...

There is a difference between confidence and cockiness. Everyone appreciates and respects a confident person. However, a cocky person, let's face it...everyone just wants them to be put in their place. In fact, even people who are unjustifably cocky are annoying (probably moreso) because it's not attractive to be condescending or rude.

This next example just made me put my face in my hands...

I believe that when it comes to a woman's size, it's best to quote Carrie Bradshaw: "It isn't about the weight. You would be beautiful at any size. But are you happy?"

Apparently not.

Oh, she's confident, alright. A little too confident....but apparently not happy.  Seriously, how do expect to attract someone this way? You're not smiling, there is not a drop of makeup behind those glasses to even simulate that you care to look presentable, you're not wearing a bra, so the girls don't look too perky either, and yet you have the caption: "What do you think?" What do I think? I think you need a reality check.

Then there are the girls who choose to display a more "damsel in distress" approach in their negative nancy profiles.

"Are there any real men?" Not "Is." Ugh.

But if you found someone online whom you thought could be someone special, how far would you go for love?

 Wow. That's pretty impressive, I'd say.

And then, there's this guy.

For those non-Arizona natives, Tempe and Mesa are neighbors. Mesa is rather large, but at least find out which corner of Mesa the girl is in before you give up!

As you can see, we have some real winners here in Arizona. Hopefully your luck with online dating has been more fortunate than that of the people above. Have a great week!

-Yours Truly

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Introducing The Male Perspective

For those of you who think you're above online dating, think again. This is one of my favorite quotes from a classic movie that I think every girl should see.

He's Just Not That Into You
"I mean, things have changed. People don't meet each other organically anymore. If I would like to make myself seem more attractive to the opposite sex, I don't go and get a new haircut, I update my profile. That's just the way it is, you know?" -Drew Barrymore, "Mary"

Mary is absolutely right and that movie was made in 2009. Four years later, that fact has only proven itself more and more. You can't tell me that you've never secretly hoped your crush or ex-boyfriend/girlfriend will notice that witty status you posted. Or that you clearly have a great social life based on those photos of last weekend. My point exactly. Facebook, MySpace, Instagram, whatever. You're marketing yourself to your peers and the opposite sex to demonstrate why it's so great to be you and why it'd be great to know you. But I must say, some people are a little more effective in their communication than others.

For example, for the love of all that is good and healthy, STOP posting plain, repetitive statuses about getting to the gym or just checking in all the time. We get it. You're an active person. But if you must mention it, at least be clever about it. Say something more casual, like this: "I just got caught singing with my ipod and slightly dancing while on the elliptical machine in the gym. How embarrassing!" (True story...)

Well all this time I've shown you the kind of profiles men have created on dating sites like Plenty Of Fish and OkCupid, and I've critiqued how ridiculous they make themselves come across sometimes. But now, the time has come to turn the tables and see what men have to look at as future dating prospects based on how women portray themselves.

*Disclaimer* While I tried to give the guys the benefit of the doubt, I was still never very easy on them. So girls, I’m sorry, but there is not going to be any special treatment just because we share the same anatomy. In fact, it may be worse. *shrugs* Let's see.

Introducing, the male's perspective:

Sample #1: Bitches be classy!
 So we have the top portion of the photo dedicated to a woman's B&B's (boobs and booty). I guess she's demonstrating that she had both junk in the trunk AND her....dashboard? I couldn't think of a good car reference. Sorry.

Then we have miss "I'm too cool for pictures so I'm going to flip you off, but I'm also going to make a smoldering face while I sip from this bottle so I look sexual for the camera."

And finally the pixie in the bottom right side. Is she simulating choking herself??? Subtle way of advertising that she likes it rough? I don't know but it makes me make a face like this :/

Sample #2: "You have got to stop calling each other 'sluts' and 'whores.' It just makes it okay for men to call you 'sluts' and whores.'" Well I will when they stop acting like it.

What the hell is wrong with you girls?! Black Beauty in the top left, that is NOT a cute face. Frankly, I think it's more scary actually. Also, your boobs look fake when they're positioned like that. Miss Beyonce in the top right corner, you "soldier in the army of the Lord," do you think God enjoys seeing your big lip and cleavage pictures all over the Internet? And miss Mariah Carey in the bottom half of the collage, do you think it's sexy to pose suggestively next to children, whether they are yours or not? No, it's f-ing creepy is what it is. Say it with me, "Priorities." Are you watching those kids in the pool or posing for your future ex-boyfriend's phone background?

Sample #3: Alright, alright. Some women really are a little crazy and excessive when it comes to photo shop.

Seriously, you'll "blok" them just for not reading your whole profile? You can't even finish typing out whole words. Careful, gentlemen. She's small but she's feisty.

Those look like 2 completely different people and not just because of the hair color change. The first one looks like a poster for a movie set in the 20s. She's a pretty girl, but asking for someone as "awesome" as she is...I feel like her perfect match would be Jim Carey and all his personalities.
 I hope you all enjoyed the first glimpse into online dating from the male perspective. Tune in next week for more insight to the ladies of PoF & OkCupid. 

-Yours Truly 

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Celebrity Online Dating - Who Are You Really?

So I found this article a while back about Adele when she was first getting famous. She admitted to having a profile on EHarmony but for obvious reasons, she was unable to post any pictures of herself. So she graciously admits that she didn’t experience much interaction. But it leaves me to wonder, did she try to hint at who she might be? I mean, she was probably honest in some ways, right? Here’s what I’d imagine:

Or maybe it wasn't even that subtle. Maybe it straight out said, "Hobbies include sitting at my piano writing about the ex love of my life, and attending award shows."

Ok, maybe she wasn’t that honest. But the point is, can we read into someone’s subtle hints in their profile? What would it actually be saying to us? Let’s attempt to decode, shall we?

Rich….Cash….not too hard to read into that one! (sing along) Money money money money….MONEY! It also makes me wonder if it’s McCullough Culken in disguise. (Richie Rich...anyone?)

Now, I doubt that this guy is famous, but he just seems like he'd be bad news bears to play Uno with.

Point of the story is, if you see a profile photo that looks like this:

Or this:

Or this:

Be aware. It happens. I mean, just ask Adele. "We could have had it all...."

To read the article on Adele's online dating experience, click below.