Let's Be Real Here

I have received a bit of flack about my blog lately and I would just like to address the opinions I’ve heard directly one by one. But as an overall statement, let me just say, please, if you don’t like my blog, stop reading it. I won’t be offended.

One person mentioned that he saw my post on Facebook that my blog had reached over 2000 views. I replied with a celebratory “Yeah! I’m pretty excited about it.” His response held a somewhat dampening tone, asking “isn’t it just about douche bags and the douche things they do? That’s not very original.” I was a little shocked by the change of mood the conversation had suddenly put me in. But this was my response: No, my focus isn’t just to find douche bags and expose them. I like to  find anything interesting or humorous about the online dating world, especially any patterns/trends among it, as well as the bizarre and random behaviors, in order to share them publicly purely because…get this….it’s entertaining. (shocker)

I was also asked by a separate individual who was under the impression that my blog is more like an advice column that if I’m such a smarty pants of what would make online dating “successful”, then why am I still on it? I would say, Touché, if anything they had said was accurate. I do not pride myself on being an online dating connoisseur, or any kind of dating for that matter. I mean, hello…still single over here!

In fact, here is an example of how successful my dating life has been. Below is a text message from a good friend and previous suitor. I still offer up both titles because while we have become good friends and we both are aware that dating is not in the cards for us, we still flirt and depend on each other for companionship every once in a while.

I immediately laughed (yes, out loud even) when I saw this because I thought, “man, I must be doing something right if a pseudo suitor of mine wants to see me ‘sometime in the near future’.” *FAIL*

Overall, my point is this: Did I say that I was trying to win a Pulitzer Prize with my writing? No. (One person actually responded to this statement with "Good, cause you won't." Rude.) Do I think that I am enlightening the world of information previously unknown about the human population’s dating/sexual rituals? Again, no. And finally, do I just think that I am the shit when it comes to dating and should bestow upon the public my abundant knowledge? F*** no! This blog is purely for my own entertainment just as much as it is for yours. Plus, I'll be extra honest. Writing a post every week fulfills my lack of a writing position in the real world for the time being. But I am a writer nonetheless. It’s what I do. So I will continue to write about what amuses and interests me as long as I like. It’s up to you whether you want to continue reading or not.

So have a lovely day, everyone! And remember, it's all fun and games until you take yourself too seriously. Nobody likes a Serious Sally. ;)

--Quick Insert-- (That's what he said...)

I know I said I wasn't going to put together another post until after the New Year, but I just had to share this one thing with you guys. I saw it and it was too good / obvious to wait until I could put together a whole post relating to it.

Wait for it....

The Reply in my head: Thanks...you too!

But seriously...I think this guy is prettier than I am! Plus, I really like his lip gloss. I even double checked his profile. It specifically says he's interested in "women who like men." Sir, you're going to have trouble finding a woman that is secure enough in her own beauty/sexuality AND likes her MEN to look like....well, another beauty...and still have a penis. Just sayin.

One week until Christmas! Then New Years! Happy Holidays, everyone!

Silent Mime, Creepy Mime... (Holidays Edition)

As the year comes to a close (and supposedly, the world to an end in 10 days), I wanted to exit 2012 with a bang. I've been saving quite a few of these pictures to compile them to become one awesome final post of the year and to celebrate hitting 2000 views. I know that's not much to really big, popular bloggers, but it means a lot to me. It took almost 6 months to hit my first 1000 views in October. So to go from 1000 to 2000 in just two months following that is huge!

Anyways, this post is recapping the 2 best holidays of the year in my opinion: Halloween and Christmas.

 As I'm sure many of you will agree, Halloween is an awesome holiday that extends from the age of childhood onto years of promiscous college years, and even into the years in which we begin having kids of our own (hopefully by then we've cut back on the promiscuous part).

This gentleman demonstrates both sides of Halloween: childhood heroes to adult rated when he went from Superman in 2011...--->

<---To this in 2012

Well, that's definitely one way to attract attention. Can you imagine this guy dancing behind someone at a party. It'd be like costume rape! Make sure it's all consensual, sir....er...Dick?

I mean, goodness, gracious, great balls of felt material...

Our next costume participant is Mr. Super Trooper. He's very proud of his mustache-growing abilities and very white legs (that last part, I'm just assuming).

The best part about this gentleman, is that I had taken a screen shot of this photo after just stumbling across his profile by accident. TWO WEEKS later, he messaged me with the box below...







Maybe he was propositioning a union in our costumes next year. I don't know...But no, I'm not jealous, "jelly" or any other kind of perservative.

Now, I realize that this next one isn't a Halloween costume....but....it should be!

I shall call him, Thor.

Now onto Christmas! The time of year consisting of ugly sweater parties, awkward family photos and an excessive amount of alcohol (and by excessive, I mean necessary). These are by far my favorite photos capturing the spirit of the Christmas for these individuals. Sometimes, it's just about celebrating the season with your loved ones, or in the case demonstrated immediately below, with your cat.

I don't know what it is about this photo...because this guy didn't look so awkward or creepy looking in his other photos. But with the lighting throwing off the color balance and whatever the f*** got his cats attention like that...this is just an incredibly mesmorizing photo.

I don't know how Halloween got mixed into this Christmas photo but talk about a Silent Night...

Silent Mime, Creepy Mime.

Don't be calm, not in the slight....

On a different note entirely, I'm sure many of you have seen or heard of the newest online photo sensation, Grumpy Cat. If you haven't, google him immediately. I freaking love this cat. Anyways, below is my favorite adaptation of his photo/personality, and below it, is the human version.

bahahaha...



Seriously, I never would have guessed you were at a Christmas party sir. You look about as full of Christmas cheer as the Grinch before he's stolen all the Christmas decorations from the children of Whoville.

Happy Holidays everyone!

How much you wanna bet he'll be playing "Blow My Whistle" instead of Christmas carols this year?

Lies. All Lies.

I think the holidays make people a little crazy and hell-bent on finding someone to spend it with. Now, this could apply to anyone, but I’ve noticed that email traffic on the dating sites seem to be increasingly busy. First, you should know that the more you log in to the site, the more your profile shows among the random section for others to click on. So the more you log in, the better chance you have to receive messages. As you can imagine, I log in pretty frequently to see what kind of crazy things I can find. So I get messaged fairly often, but the weekend after Thanksgiving was just ridiculous! This was within less than a full day!

Above is proof that Turkey Day serves as a reminder of what it'll be like if you don't bring a date to the next family "falalalala" function. The nagging and inquisitive badgering about your singlehood just sets the tone (and a mental countdown) for the rest of the holiday season as December approaches.

But do you know what happens when people get extra desperate for someone to share the holidays with? Their messages get even stranger and even more epic. Merry Christmas to me!

This guy is good. For a second, I actually thought: “Did I forget to respond to someone? But wait, if he has my number then why didn’t he text this? And if he means I stopped responding on PoF, then our messages would be displayed above this one. Lies!” That sneaky bastard…

Then there are the ones who just make up an entirely detailed scenario just to boost your ego in hopes that flattery is the way to your heart. How did he know...?

 I’m just that awesome. What can I say?

This next example went as far as to create a photo in which women could mentally invision themselves a part of in hopes of luring them in.

Sha-la-la-la Kiss the Girl....

On a different note, I don't trust people who dish out titles very quickly. You know, like "babe," "sweetie," "honey-bear"...etc. But in this case I'll make an exception.

Finally, someone sees me as the royalty that I am!

This next message is why the expression, "sometimes you have to burn some bridges to keep the crazies from following you," exists.

D: ….thank….you….??

I swear I’ve gotten this message on both sites now.

First off, maybe you can’t get laid because you can’t spell at the age of 23. Secondly, I don’t believe you. Go to a bar, ask your best friend (of which ever gender you prefer), ask a random person from class, whatever. Perhaps you prefer the internet because there is a stronger possibility that you’ll never see the person again which could obviously be appealing if the scenario goes poorly. (ra ro) But still, if you’ve saved yourself for this long, I have trouble believing that you’re ok with just sleeping with anybody for your first time.

We are going to have to start calling the internet the World Wide Web of Lies. (Dramatic fist-raising towards the sky) Next, you're going to tell me that men are actually going to call when they say they will. That's like if I said size doesn't matter. *burn*

No, but really. If you're a foot shorter than I am, we are going to have problems. ; )



You're Doing It Wrong

OK, now I know I've said this before but I really mean it. I'm sure there can't be too many specific rules as to how to get the best results in online dating. We are all online for various reasons, various types of people, various intentions etc. But I think one thing is a solid, should be obvious kind of rule. If you want to attract someone for a hookup, a date, a relationship, a future spouse, whatever, you do NOT post a significant number of photos of you and people of the opposite gender. This just can't work. And as I've said in the past, (this is directed at men) other dudes are not going to stumble upon your page and think you must be such a stud for having all these hot women in your life! Women will be looking at them thinking, why is he so proud of posing next to a bunch of other women?

The ONLY exception in which I can imagine that it might be seen as a positive to have pictures with the opposite sex (that isn't family) is this: say a guy is looking for a really easy girl (or vice versa) who he hopes won't want to commit to him anywhere along their road of rondez vous...then pictures of her posing closely, with her arms wrapped around other guys, might give off the right kind of vibe. It's more like an "insert your face here" kind of photo.

Anyways, there are so many examples that I'll just show you myself.

Do I have to state the obvious? Since this is his main photo, when its in a thumbnail version, you don't see the caption. So it just looks like his wedding.

Even if you crop the girl out, dude, the message is the same. Maybe he just really wanted a shirtless pic.

This one really didn't make sense to me. Sir, this is your online dating profile. I think you meant to post this on your Myspace or Facebook page.

Seriously?? This one was sent directly to me in a message too.

The caption on this was: "Just a friend, ladies. Not a player." If you know that's the impression it would give, why would you post it?!



 This seems to be a theme that men just aren't getting. Still don't believe me?

His caption is what makes this one a priceless.

Girls don't care if you post next to half naked women in Vegas. It's not impressive to us.

Case and point.

And then there’s the random few who you almost wonder if they’re batting for the other team because they don’t post ANY pictures with females, but rather, lots of their guy friends.

I'm not being prejudice here. I'm speaking form the perspective of a girl who totally thought some of these gentlemen were incredibly attractive....until I felt like their friends thought they were too.

So guys, if you've ever wondered why you only get messaged by the "crazies" and never the drama free, nice girls, it's because only a crazy would see those pictures and immediately want to make herself the girl in the picture with you. Normal, self-respecting girls look at those and think, um....cool? 

Crazy Boy Say What?? Part 2

I have a Special Announcement to make: You win, I caved!

This blog will now contain specimens of humanity from both PoF and OkCupid. I made a profile there too, and I must say, I'm kind of impressed. OkCupid's strategies of match making is much more apparent than PoF. OkCupid has a questions section in which you answer questions for them to match your compatibility with others. These questions range from silly to super personal, and gives you the option to display each one publicly or privately, just for compatibility measurement-sake. What I find interesting though, is while I'd expect to have more accurate success with OkCupid with that kind of method, I have yet to find a single person that I feel enough drive to really enter into conversation with.

But more about those questions before I get to the crazy messages men send. Below is the most absurd question I could find to help explain the structure of the questionaire that OC uses.

Part I: You answer the question & select if you want it viewable to the public on your profile or not
Part II: You list which answer you find acceptable from another person
Part III: You select how important that your answers resemble one another (from slightly important to mandatory)

Here is just a small sample of all the possible questions you could receive. (But you can skip over answering them if you choose.)

So we will see what this site brings forth from here on out. Aren't you excited? Because I really am. (I think that means I have no real life.)


Now onto the messages! Crazy boy say what???? Part 2



Men are pretty bold online. Check out his username. Is this the male version of the title "Disco Stick?" Also, might I add, that there are no photos of me on either profile that display my back side.

Ahahahaha! That's funny. But no. I actually never quite understood that song, even though it was a blast to dance to.

 

Some boys just can't take silence for an answer.



Hold onto your panties, ladies. We've got the most talked-about sexy man, live and virtually in our presence.

I'm sure this would cause heart palpitations for some ladies, but this just made me laugh. He combined a lot of favorites for ladies: chocolate, wine, Luke Bryan, and an invisioned romantic destination.

I was just feeling sassy on this day, so I decided to respond, and I can't lie. I loved participating in this convo, even ever so briefly. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Hopefully Turkey Day will bring more pictures of holiday festivities to PoF & OC profiles! Just in time for my Holiday edition ;)

Can't Hold Me Down

Before I get started on this week's topic, I have to tell you guys that I'm almost wondering if enough friends of friends of friends have begun reading this blog and have figured out that I'm the girl writing it because lately, the quantity of material I'm finding in their ridiculous profiles AND messages is just absurd! Maybe Christmas is just coming early for Plentytodish. Speaking of which, stay tuned for a holidays edition in a week or so. :)

Anyways, the profiles that fascinate me the most (and coincidently turn me off the most for my own personal searching) are those who list their intentions as "Casual Dating / No Commitment." It just makes me wonder why they don't just go out to the bars and meet lots of willing people there. But I suppose that only works for weekends and evenings. Using a dating site, you can find a potential booty call 24/7!

That's the spirit, PoF. You're like 7/11. "You may not always be doing business, but you're always open." (Anyone who understands that reference has an A in my book.)

Anyways, I find these profiles so interesting because they are ansolutely free to post the most obnoxious things, because they've already relayed the message that they don't really care if you stick around or what you think of them on a deeper level. Therefore, they can be as crass as they want. So if you still message or reply to them, they're golden!

So I’ve taken the best excerpts from the various sections of a profile and listed them below to create the best combined profile of those only seeking casual dating/ no commitment on PoF.

Usernames:

Tubesock**

.sneak.**

SexyCologne**

Most_Precious_Blood** - he must be a Malfoy

Profile Photos:

"Obligatory" shirtless with a defined V picture

Modeling underwear pic

Catchphrases:               

They call me Plan B

Thugs get lonely too

Looking for sexy lady to play golf

In Tempe, AZ until this afternoon

Marital Status:

Living together - I'm sorry...what?? Who are you living with that is important enough to mention on here, but whom which you're not actually in a relationship with?

Fish personality:

Barracuda -  sounds about right...

Longest Relationship:

(Say what?)

ah, ha ha ha ha!

Interests:

“You and her”

“My deer lady our connection my rider” –say what???

"sex" - gee, you think?

About me:

“If a game is on, don’t bother me!”

"I'm new to Phoenix show me a good time?"

I don't think hashtags are necessary in blogging but if they were, this one would be mine: #thisiswhatyouregettingyourselfinto

Scandalous

I guess I shouldn't be surprised by what I'm about to share with you, but it just didn't occur to me that this was a viable option in online dating. I'm given the option to browse through the profiles of my listed gender of interest (men). That means I am listed as a random option to peruse through for anyone who lists "female" in their interest settings...whether they're a man or a woman. (I forgot, this isn't ChristianMingle.com) But I think it's pretty cool for an online dating site that isn't exclusively Christian or exclusively for the gay community to open it's digital doors to people of all preferences.

Anyways, I'm sure you can see where this is going. I was messaged by a female for the first time since joining this site back in May. I am the last person to be offended by an approach of the same gender, but I guess it just opened my eyes to the possibilities of PoF's settings' features.

I don't have any screen shots of that example but don't worry, this post is not lacking in photos at all. The girl was 21 at the time, in a relationship with a man, looking to find an “adventurous girl to hang out” with her bf and herself. What’s ironic is she looks like a friend of mine, who happens to be a lesbian, with her short pixie haircut. But her boyfriend looks like a slightly plumper Steve Carrell. Ew. Even if I was into girls, and this girl in particular, the boyfriend would be a no go.

Anyways, that original example was back in June. Well, last week, I received not one, but two messages from a couple of ladies. However, they supposedly had different intentions, but I'm not sure if I buy it.

Ms. Brown's message was very brief and to the point.

 Well that's very flattering Ms. Brown, but no, I'm not. But I did find something that I think is interesting. I have a general rule of thumb when I browse through a man's pictures (and I've been told by a few guy friends that they share the same sentiments when viewing girl's profiles). We also covered this in a post about "What not to put in your photo album." And that rule is that if someone is looking for a relationship, it does not bode well to post scandalous or just plain revealing pictures if you want to be taken seriously. Well Ms. Brown has posted that her intention for being on the site is to find a relationship. Other than her profile pic, this is the general view in each of her photos...

You know how I know that I'm not bi? I looked at this picture and thought: "cute panties!" Not "rockin body!"

Then there is Ms. Megs, (who in my opinion looks like T. Swift in her profile picture) who says she is seeking new friends as she just moved here for a job and doesn't know anybody. Very possible, but I still thought it was a strange approach. Or maybe she's just really innovative. :/

Now, the above were just the more awkward examples of this post due to pure circumstance. Mainly that I'm not bisexual and I don't know how I feel about finding "new friends" particularly online. From here on out, the examples are directly intentional requests of what are definitely less conventional appetites.

This next fellow angered me quite a bit, without saying anything that was directly offensive. I'm not surprised that this goes on in the online dating world, but I definitely DON'T want to be a part of it. Meet "Mr. I can't spell & have no dignity whatsoever" (but I digress) : Discreet guy

But you know what is more interesting than a man using online media to cheat on his wife? How about men who convince their women to join in on the fun! That's right. Twice now, I've been propositioned to join couples, one married and one just in a committed relationship. (in this case, should committed be in quotation marks?) These are the couples. Can you tell how badly I wanted to join them?

married couple

Girl of committed relationship

Guy of committed relationship

Side Note: both the guy & girl from the committed relationship felt the need to specify that their photos were a couple months old...that makes me worried that they haven't taken a better picture since...meaning their physical condition hasn't necessarily improved, but instead could possibly have devolved since the time of these photographs. Now, I'm not saying they're horribly unattractive...but....no. Na no. That is my answer. Too mean? Maybe. Do I care behind the veil of my blog? Nope.

Anyways, like I said, specifically with the married couple, the husband has clearly convinced his wife into thinking this is a great idea for their marriage. This is how I came to my conclusion...

It is written from his perspective, his wife is not bisexual, she just wants "a friend, confidant and wife type friend." Is anyone else reminded of the show Big Love right now? Or maybe red necks would call her "sister wife." Man, I must have taken an offensive pill today...or maybe it's just in conjunction with this whole Scandalous theme...

Strange Requests: (yes, there's more...)

I could have sworn that I had already posted about this man before but I couldn't find it when I glanced through old posts. Either way, this is very fitting for this week's theme so I'll post it again.

This one was just weird...but it definitely made the Halloween season a little more comedic. I saw a genie (that's how its actually spelled, by the way) costume at a SPIRIT store and definitely had to giggle.

I hope you enjoyed this edition of Scandalous PoF. I'm sure there will be Part 2 and 3 over time. :)