How To Pick Up On Girls 101 - The Sarcastic Version

How To Pick Up On Girls 101

1. Find a common interest

(I mentioned on my profile that I'd like to travel to a few places on the east coast.)



I can think of lots of reasons. Maybe I like snow, history, old architecture. You don't know me!

2. Tell the girl you are interested in about her likeable qualities.

3. Make sure your intentions are clear without being too serious about it right off the bat.

Wait...what?

4. Also, I know we've covered this, but there really is a strong difference between cute and clever pick up lines, and just weird concerning ways to begin a two-way conversation (assuming that's what you're aiming for...)

For example, Cute:



  Also Cute:

Lame:

Awkward:

Weird, but funny:

Funny, I don't remember getting married or having an animal named Fluffy, but I will certainly take Fiji!

But really, I guess there can be no wrong or right way to hit on a lady. I mean, you're going to attract what's similar to you (hopefully) so just be yourself and the right match will work out. And all the wrong ones...well, you might end up on here. (Sorry that I'm not sorry).

One of the funniest convos I've had was when I received a message while at a friend's house and I read it to her. It sounded familiar. This is what unfolded:

(I'm "S-----" and he's "khjohn----")

3 people who happen to be friends received the same message...obviously it's very likely that a hundred girls from all over the place probably received it as well. Busted.

The real kicker of online dating is that it keeps score for you, like you're playing a popularity game with yourself and you win everytime you get an ego boost. I never get used to this little box (this was within 2 hours):

WHAT??? What do people do online all day? Oh, wait...lol

Well, as of just before I clicked Publish on this post, the blog was at exactly 2,900 viewers. We are so close to 3,000 views that I can almost taste it! And tomorrow is my birthday so lets see if I get a birthday present just in time. ;) Click and share, people. Click and share.

-Yours Truly

Flash Back ~ Video Evidence!

Hello world! It's a rainy day here in Arizona which doesn't happen often but when it does, it tends to make people just want to stay in their pajamas and be lazy. Well I can't really do that right now as I have to work but perhaps it'll pass for an excuse as to why I'm being slightly lazy and re-sharing older information but with a twist!

Back in October (freaking forever ago, I know) I mentioned a PoF user named John that messaged me with an offer of references. Well I took him up on those references  and in the post that followed, I gave you all a tid-bit of what those convos sounded like but... now I'm excited to announce that my friends finally became technologically savvy enough to post the videos we filmed of those conversations on YouTube!

Flash Back:

Oct 8th: Real Creepers Come With References

 This is John. He offers references to young ladies such as myself to make himself appear to be a more eligible bachelor, despite being of an older age. Now he’s no senior citizen, but 43 is not typically in the range of girls in their early to mid 20s. All I had to do was say that references were an interesting approach to take and suddenly I received a list of friends AND exes! – Whom could “vouch” for him.

Well, believe it or not, I called each of his references on speaker phone while two friends sat beside me filming the whole ordeal. It was quite hilarious.
Most notable about these references was their age range. They were not all my age as he indicated in his initial message above. However, two of his exes were still a decent number of years younger than him, which makes sense if he wants to prove his eligibility for someone my age. However, what can a 16-year-old-boy that he’s known for a little over a year, really say in respect of his character?? In this particular case, not very much. In fact, the kid basically sold him out.
Ryan – “He’s nice. He (John) hits on any girl that moves, but he’s nice.”
Even his two closest friends seemed to reveal crucial information, even in their best attempts to defend their buddy. Jessa and Derek happen to be riding in the car together when I called, making it easy to speak to them simultaneously. When I asked them if John could be described as a gentleman, they responded with: “He is in his own way." Apparently, he comes across as "rough" and "obnoxious” but really is "nice at heart." I believe we have a winner, girls! ;)
Once I gather those videos from the girls...they will be all yours for the viewing. :)


So now, you have access to these videos in their raw state. I hope that you'll forgive the giggling and the lack of editing but I don't have the proper programs to make thi ssuper pro-status footage. I have two of the three phone calls recorded. Honestly, the whole idea just fell into my lap and the project just escalated from there. And thankfully, two of my friends were silly/eager enough to take it on with me. Also, take note of the martini glass on the table (filled with only orange juice of course) ;) Also, enjoy the insiders view of my apartment and my lazy-day attire. You're Welcome!

This is the video of the first phone call with John's ex-girlfriend, Destiny.

What a cute still shot, right? ^^^

I think my favorite quotes from this were  "He talks online a lot with younger girls because he's up late at night" (Awkward....) and "He's pretty good with the bearded dragons" (omg...you're killing me!).

In case you couldn't hear a lot of what was above, here was our discussion of what took place.

The next video captures the failed call of John's friend, Derek, and the successful phone call with Ryan, who is one of John's customers and now friend...even though he's 16!

Like I said before, Ryan totally sold poor John out to be a creeper.

I hope you enjoyed this post and all of our silly facial expressions. I'm not sure if I'll do something like this again but you always gotta try something new, right? For no other reason than to just have a silly Sunday with two of your girlfriends. :)

-Yours Truly

Love Is In The Air...It's Rather Rude Actually

What is the center point of our lives? If you're thinking your career (making that $$money$$) or your hobbies, you're lying to yourself. It's Love. Why else would thousands...hundreds of thousands...maybe millions (OK you get the point, a lot of friggin online users.) go through tireless efforts to find "true love?" Watch any movie trailer and 95% of the time, there will be at least some aspect of love or romance in it. Even in the true action/masculine movies, Bond gets the girl and *spoiler alert* Django rescues his woman from her captors. The point is, Love is everywhere. But because our world has become so consumed with career driven/hard working and sisterhood of the traveling pants kind of people, it's not easy finding time to actually stop and meet new people (and continue one on one communication). Hence the birth of online dating! So whether you like it or not, it's pretty much guaranteed that you will get love shoved in your face from time to time. Even Facebook wants a piece of that pie. But not to capitalize on it of course, just because they're genuinely interested in your love life's well-being.

Online dating sounds simple enough. You find a profile that interests you in a person and you message them with a few words or send them an image of a rose (yes, it happens). However, so often, when you really like the profile on your screen and go to click the "message" button, it's so easy to absolutely freeze. What the hell are you gonna say that's both original and direct but not creepy?  Well, this guys approach certainly didn't work...

Unique, yes. Relevant? Not so much.

But you have to at least give the guy credit for trying. This poor fella below chickened out before I even had a chance to read his message that very day.

Then there are the people who make it easy to break the ice by opening that humorous can of worms before you even message them. You're damn straight I clicked on a profile solely because this was its main picture...

By the way, this isn't at all what he looks like. I almost messaged him to tell him how awesome he was for having this kind of sense of humor.

Another example: although it's a little more strange considering he's 30 years old, that's almost what makes it so awesome.

zooming in....

yesss.....

This is probably an obvious statement, but I absolutely hate this actually very common approach to "first messaging"...it's the rude/jackass/I'm a dick approach.

Why yes, sir. I'm bat shit crazy. You probably don't want to mess with me. ---- It just assumes that something is wrong with me and that is why I'm single.

At least this guy gave me the out of possibly putting the blame on the opposite gender (example below) instead of just me, but it's still a little ridiculous. Maybe I just haven't met a person who I click with. Maybe I'm shy. Either way. Rude.

Now, enter the sleazeball:

Should I be flattered by this? This just gives me an awkward image of talking to this guy and all he can do is stare south of my face. Then he slowly reaches out to touch just one and *SMACK*! mwahahaha

I'm also concerned that a few of PoF users are bipolar...This started off so promising and sweet and then...

How cheap and dirty does this sound to you? It definitely made me wear my sad/shocked face when I finished reading the message. How disappointing, right? And kinda creepy. Essentually what he is saying is: "I want to admire you from an impersonal distance."

This last message wasn't really as much douchy as it was just bizarre and unexpected.

I responded to Jim to tell him about the many place Tempe, AZ has to offer, like Four Peaks Brewery, a few good spots on Mill Ave, hiking & activity places etc. Then he replied, "Thanks!" and that's it. I feel used. lol

Finally, Happy Valentine's Day / Singles Awareness / Post Desperation Day! I hope you all take the time to spend the day with someone you love (or at least like a lot) like a partner or good friend or family.

But before you go, I thought I'd share a photo that makes me think that Brad Pitt and Zoolander got together to make a child...

-Yours Truly

Dating Pet Peeves of a Potential Bitter Betty - Real Life Edition

I'm a writer. It's what I do. It's how I clear my head when I have a lot to say and no one in particular to say it to. And just like any 24-year-old single girl, I often have many opinions on the dating world (I said dating world, not relationship station). Plus, I've already had my chat sesh with plenty of female friends and many of them seem to agree with me on this so I decided to put it out there for real. So these are some of my pet peeves and my responses to them.

To the guys who make these sort of comments: "I'd treat my girlfriend like a princess" blah blah blah. (and yet you're perpetually single)

Oh really? Is that why you haven't asked any girls on a date lately? Or why you turned one of your female friends into a hookup last week? Yes, I know about that. Girls talk. Also, whose the classy one again? It's like you're waiting for a girl to just blow you away and work to impress you to make you want to commit. Did you ever stop to think that maybe you're just not that impressive?

To the men who find a way to say to a girl, "I just don't want you to wait for me." --this happens all the time to so many of us...seriously, I've done my research--

Um...sir, when was the last time you have even heard from me? When was the last time your phone rang, beeped, or notified you that I was awaiting your reply? Exactly. In fact, you even started this very conversation. It's one thing when a girl is actually remaining hopeful and showing that to you. But when the girl is doing her best to stay away and not contact you in an attempt to move on, saying that to her is like salt in the wound. It's unnecessary and unkind. But the best is when the girl is NOT waiting for the guy at all. She doesn't purposefully open conversation with you but only responds when the guy starts it because its the polite and mature thing to do. But the guy thinks that if the girl responds to him at all, she must still want him. False.

Furthermore, you know that person who you know is into you (I mean, lets face it. Of course you know. You're not blind or stupid.) but you have to pretend that you don't know to keep them from moving in on you? And you're polite to them but you definitely don't extend any major curtosy that could be mistaken as flirting, but they never seem to get the reality of the situation. Well, to those (guys or girls) who just never go away....I just want someone to smack you in the forehead and say, stop it! Wouldn't that be a great job? It'd be like the anti-cupid. You run around in a blue tunic (blue is the opposite of red, right?) and say, "Listen, they don't know how to tell you this, so I have to. They're NOT interested. And if you don't want to hear listen to what I'm saying, I'm gonna stick you in the ass with this arrow if you don't just accept the fact that they're not into you. Now go look for someone else because this is just sad!" --I think there would be millions to make in that profession.

So this concludes my rant on dating scenarios - Real Life Edition. I'll be back to posting more about online dating next week. Have a good one!

Oh, and also on that note, hope you're getting ready for Valentine's Day ;)

-Yours Truly.

Do You Want The Lights On Or Off?

Have you ever heard the song, "Everyone is a little bit racist"? Well, this post is kinda like that, except it's "Everyone is a little bit kinky."

Everyone has things they like or don't like in the bedroom, that's natural. And then there are the people who stand out from the rest  because they just so happen to really, really like something in particular that is not very typical or easy to understand.

For example, this OkCupid guy...

I'm not gonna lie, that's a little intimidating...

But hey, to each their own!

I may have mentioned this before but ni modo (no matter)-- Within the first week of being on PoF, I was messaged by a man named William, asking me to walk on his back in heels. The kicker...he would pay me $300 for it. My brain went into a flurry of thoughts, such as: God, that would hurt! Well, he is a broad shouldered man so maybe it doesn't hurt too bad. But if he's not into pain than why would he like that?? Who would agree to do this? Well, maybe I would if I was poor, unafraid of stranger danger and the chance of being molested by this bear of a man.....Oh well. Later, the price range went up to $500. Damn my reasonable sense of security!

Now, of all fetishes and kinky things someone could come up with, I didn't expect to see this one.

Ownmeplease** wants a girl to teach him how to put on makeup, wants her to be the dominant one, is 44 years old and has never been married. Sounds to me like he wants a gender reversal situation. He's wants to be the stereotypically submissive one while his partner (presumably he wants her to be a her) to she-man-handle him. Interesting...

Next up, GreenMario** – First off, I have to say that I immediately wanted to call him Luigi instead. (Anyone?) Secondly, although he is being fairly blunt, his interests do lack some originality believe it or not. They include reading comics/graphic novels, sex and having fun.

and he had more pics but “I guess they weren’t appropriate for this site” :/ whoa there, sir...




I'm questioning the quality of your judgement right now, just so you know.

 

But fetish or no fetish, whether you have something in mind or a potential partner does, there are just certain things that (should) cause the red flags in your brain to go up.

Hmmm...why might I NOT respond to this guy?

That's just a little TOO honest, sir. But then again, I guess I'll just say Thank you and move along.

Another possible endeavour for kinksters: (I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before) They often use their online dating profile as a business opportunity in addition to seeking company. I've been offered "professional massages," multiple sugar daddy relationships, and we can now add creepy "modeling" opportunities to the list. Below is just the second half of his message. The first half was just a slew of vague compliments about my profile. Now whether you'd respond to this next fellow either for sexual purposes or wardrobe purposes is entirely up to you....in my opinion, NEITHER! Run away...

Did you catch a glimpse of that email address? Milk my .... :/

So do you want to see those designs? I know you do. I got you covered. Item #1:

$60?! Talk about overpricing for what looks to be a combo of a bikini and a sexy tennis skirt with a "hardly there" underwear piece.

Item #2:

Ok, once again I see a bikini top and a....what the hell is that supposed to be? I don't think he finished this one...

Item #3:

A not so sexy, Hawaiian inspired halter romper. Translation for men: halter = one strap around the neck & romper = a cuter name for what was previously referred to as overalls. This is actually the first piece photographed when you click on the site and to be honest, I made this face in reaction D:

So what do you like to do when the lights are off? Or on, whatever.

-Yours Truly

The Many Faces of Online Dating (for the ladies)

When people ponder joning online dating, they want to know who they'll find on there. Will they meet Mr./Ms. Right? Will they click on the hook up of their lifetime? Will they scroll over the profile who shares their sexual fantasy? Well, who the hell knows. What I can tell you is that you will not be without your options. It doesn't matter what kind of persona you transmit from your profile because you will be messaged by more than just your type. No doubt about it. But I'm sorry fellas, I couldn't add any photos of ladies just yet. I reached out to a few contacts to ask for content and they have either deleted their profiles (too many bad experiences I suppose) or just couldn't get them to me. Perhaps I'll just make a fake profile as a boy to give you your own version of this post. Hm..... ;) Deceptive or investigative?

But for the ladies:

The shy guy....seriously all of his photos are like this. Poor thing.

The not so shy guy....personally, I hate these photos. But maybe I'd like them if I was looking for a one night stand and wanted to know what his bed actually looked like before I plan to be seen in it. Who knows.

The extra confident guy:


Mr. Universe, ladies and gentlemen


The married guy, or aka the chicken shit scum bag (oh, I'm sorry. Was that rude? oh well.):

Obvsly, his profile picture is not his actual picture. This is Jeremy Piven from Entourage. In fact, this photo is for the show Entourage and can be found on the 3rd page of Google Images.

The Bitter Benny:



You seriously had no other photo you could have chosen?





















Jacob Black and the rest of the Wolf Pack:

The token hot black man:

He's French & Jamaiican...and it's hot hot hot!

The hot nerd:

His caption: "too good to be true"....no, but for real. This is too much to handle.

The bad asses:

I want their job!

The self-proclaimed rebel:

The artistic, creative, sensitive guy

I actually really like the way that this was taken.

The guys who like to show off their "guns":

Jenna Marbles 'dumb jock' voice: "I like to pick things up and then put them down."

And the ones who actually carry guns:

Well, I think that's a good summary of what's out there. In other news, I had a short freak out this week. I thought I'd been discovered!

For like 2 minutes I was recapping all of my posts wondering what the hell I had said in my blog that would indicate a connection to my profile. Turns out, I know him. (silly me) I just didn't recognize him with big ol' sun glasses on his face. Hey Wes!

So I have absolutely no reason to post this last picture other than it's freaking funny.

Have a great week!

-Yours Truly

No Theme Thursday -- Just Randoms

Happy Thursday everyone! You're so close to the finish line for the work week! Unless you work in the service or retail industry or some other weekend job...then, well...you are on your way! Yeah, that's all I got for you, sorry.

Anyways, I felt uneasy leaving this week off with that last serious post. It was such a Debbie Downer. Gross. But cheer up, old chap! Here are some randoms I put together for your amusement. Enjoy!

So Dr. Evil's cat dropped in for a visit...

Does that make you randy, baby?

I ran a search for men between 23-29 in my area and this was one of the results:





Why don't I believe you?

I'm tying together these next two screen shots to give them a silly title:
It's An Officer and A "Gentleman"...


I don't know whether to look for a fluffy bear or to about-face the other way!



I always wanted to meet a Southern gentleman. Man, What.A.Charmer.

Now, when it comes to messages such as the one below, I used to ignore them (after I take a screen shot of it first of course), but lately I've been responding to see what other kind of information I can get out of these guys. (Expect a full report soon-ish.)



Damn my conservative moral compass! If only I could bring myself to not look at this as a form of prostitution, I'd be all over this like a whore on a...well, you know. (Too far?)

Here is what I learned: this guy SOLELY wants BJs. That's it. Nada mas. I can't decide if he's just attempting to be more STD conscious or just really prefers BJs to sex. Whatever, who knows.

When I opened the message below, I immediately glanced at the picture and assumed (incorrectly) that this was going to be a kind, sweet message. Haha, false.

I mean, how bizarre!

Oh, let me count the ways:

1. Your preference is a webcam visual as opposed to meeting in person....somebody is hoping the camera will add 10 lbs.
2. I actually didn't think he was bad looking but his message clearly indicates that he does.
3. Why did you choose a picture with children in it?? (The children's faces have been professionally fuzzed out in order to protect their identity so as to not be associated with this creepy, insecure man.)

Have a great weekend!

Yours Truly.