So for starters, I’d like to say that it’s a little astounding how often I get messaged in PoF. I’m not saying this to be cocky, or even suggest that I’m decently good looking. I’m saying this to emphasize how many people there are on this site, particularly men. In fact, a few weeks ago, on my third “live” PoF first date, I met at a local brewery with a man named Matt. (That’s what we’ll call him because that’s his name. No need for name changing when you never learned their last name.) Matt shared that he was curious as to what the difference is between the number of messages girls receive and guys receive. So he made a fake profile (more on that later) as a girl WITHOUT A PICTURE and he was astonished to find that he averaged 10-15 messages a day over what he received as himself. And for the record, he wasn’t a terrible looking guy at all.
So back to my point, girls get messaged way more often than men it seems. But whether you’re female or a super popular male on PoF, the key to dealing with this bombardment of messages is to know how to spot the kind of people you're looking for with the limited information you have been given. And in reverse, to those ofyou that are often sending messages and not hearing back, this is what to do and NOT to do when making the first point of contact.
The basics:
When messaging someone for the first time, (which by the way, in online dating, doesn’t really matter if you’re the guy or the girl messaging first so no worries there. We’re all equal, etc.) the goal should be to leave a simple message that stands out and shows you actually read their profile. You don’t need a novel, especially one all about yourself. If I have to read a page-worth of info all about you that I never even inquired for, I’m hitting the delete button.
Also, know your audience. If you're looking for a hook-up and you send the message, “what a hottie!” to someone who put their status as “looking to date,” or especiallly “looking for a relationship,” chances are, you’re not going to get a reply. So why waste your time? Or better yet, why spam up their inbox when they'd never consider someone who comments solely on their sex appeal, as it does nothing to show that you noticed anything else about them. But if all they want is a relationship based on looks, then hey, good luck to you both.
Post-First Message Ettiquette:
If you message someone and they don’t respond, don’t convince yourself that they just didn’t see your message. They probably didn't respond for a reason, whatever that may be, and don't want to make contact. So what should you do? How about anything that doesn't include sending them another message! But say you think I’m wrong, and you just want to give them a little nudge to remind them of your existence. Do you think it’s helpful to repeat the same message as before? Or even better, add a meaningless detail to the end of it? For example:
Lover*****: sent 4/30/12 “Are we quite a match?” J
Lover*****: sent 5/6/12 “Are we quite a match? Im 6’8” fyi"
Telling me about your large stature will not defy all other reasons I must have found to not reply to you. I may be able to wear heels if I go out with you, but really, was that supposed to change EVERYTHING??
Furthermore, if you decide to message someone continuously without response, it doesn’t help your case to include dramatic statements or puntuation. Although, I guess it doesn’t really hurt either since, guess what? I’m still not responding. Observe:
Lover*****: sent 5/13/12 “What does it take to know more about you?!?”
However, what’s definitely worse than a repetitive message and dramatic punctuation combined, are messages telling that person how much they’re missing out by not messaging you back. (Yes. Believe it or not, it happens.)
ADub***: sent 5/28/12 “Outside of the…dancing, we have so much in common. I’m sort of surprised that you haven’t reached out to me. I would’ve made you happy. Extremely happy.”
Lefty*****: "I know that if you actually would make an effort, you'd find me fascinating and want to know more. Worth some effort on your part, but if you'd rather not, not to be a dick but your loss."
Oh really? Did you really just understand so much about me from my tiny profile to determine what kind of girl I am, what makes me happiest and more importantly, I’m the girl for you? If you truly believe that you are such a great catch, and a person with confidence and self-respect, then you wouldn’t wallow. You’d move on. Even if you privately confess to your friends that you’re disappointed, you don’t share that with strangers. And by the way, if you were my friend complaining about continuously having your messages ignored, I’d either help you revamp your profile or in the case that you were practically in tears that HottieReadytoParty didn’t give you the time of day, I'd throw some cold water in your face and say, get a hold of yourself!
Besides, for all you know, you shouldn’t feel too bad anyways. Maybe that person is shallow and only wants a specific model of a man/woman. For all you know, you dodged a bullet. Or maybe they’re perfectly nice and just didn’t have it in them to send a message solely to say, “No thanks.” Either way, it’s not a criminal act to leave an email from a stranger unreplied.
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