Do You Want The Lights On Or Off?

Have you ever heard the song, "Everyone is a little bit racist"? Well, this post is kinda like that, except it's "Everyone is a little bit kinky."

Everyone has things they like or don't like in the bedroom, that's natural. And then there are the people who stand out from the rest  because they just so happen to really, really like something in particular that is not very typical or easy to understand.

For example, this OkCupid guy...

I'm not gonna lie, that's a little intimidating...

But hey, to each their own!

I may have mentioned this before but ni modo (no matter)-- Within the first week of being on PoF, I was messaged by a man named William, asking me to walk on his back in heels. The kicker...he would pay me $300 for it. My brain went into a flurry of thoughts, such as: God, that would hurt! Well, he is a broad shouldered man so maybe it doesn't hurt too bad. But if he's not into pain than why would he like that?? Who would agree to do this? Well, maybe I would if I was poor, unafraid of stranger danger and the chance of being molested by this bear of a man.....Oh well. Later, the price range went up to $500. Damn my reasonable sense of security!

Now, of all fetishes and kinky things someone could come up with, I didn't expect to see this one.

Ownmeplease** wants a girl to teach him how to put on makeup, wants her to be the dominant one, is 44 years old and has never been married. Sounds to me like he wants a gender reversal situation. He's wants to be the stereotypically submissive one while his partner (presumably he wants her to be a her) to she-man-handle him. Interesting...

Next up, GreenMario** – First off, I have to say that I immediately wanted to call him Luigi instead. (Anyone?) Secondly, although he is being fairly blunt, his interests do lack some originality believe it or not. They include reading comics/graphic novels, sex and having fun.

and he had more pics but “I guess they weren’t appropriate for this site” :/ whoa there, sir...




I'm questioning the quality of your judgement right now, just so you know.

 

But fetish or no fetish, whether you have something in mind or a potential partner does, there are just certain things that (should) cause the red flags in your brain to go up.

Hmmm...why might I NOT respond to this guy?

That's just a little TOO honest, sir. But then again, I guess I'll just say Thank you and move along.

Another possible endeavour for kinksters: (I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before) They often use their online dating profile as a business opportunity in addition to seeking company. I've been offered "professional massages," multiple sugar daddy relationships, and we can now add creepy "modeling" opportunities to the list. Below is just the second half of his message. The first half was just a slew of vague compliments about my profile. Now whether you'd respond to this next fellow either for sexual purposes or wardrobe purposes is entirely up to you....in my opinion, NEITHER! Run away...

Did you catch a glimpse of that email address? Milk my .... :/

So do you want to see those designs? I know you do. I got you covered. Item #1:

$60?! Talk about overpricing for what looks to be a combo of a bikini and a sexy tennis skirt with a "hardly there" underwear piece.

Item #2:

Ok, once again I see a bikini top and a....what the hell is that supposed to be? I don't think he finished this one...

Item #3:

A not so sexy, Hawaiian inspired halter romper. Translation for men: halter = one strap around the neck & romper = a cuter name for what was previously referred to as overalls. This is actually the first piece photographed when you click on the site and to be honest, I made this face in reaction D:

So what do you like to do when the lights are off? Or on, whatever.

-Yours Truly

The Many Faces of Online Dating (for the ladies)

When people ponder joning online dating, they want to know who they'll find on there. Will they meet Mr./Ms. Right? Will they click on the hook up of their lifetime? Will they scroll over the profile who shares their sexual fantasy? Well, who the hell knows. What I can tell you is that you will not be without your options. It doesn't matter what kind of persona you transmit from your profile because you will be messaged by more than just your type. No doubt about it. But I'm sorry fellas, I couldn't add any photos of ladies just yet. I reached out to a few contacts to ask for content and they have either deleted their profiles (too many bad experiences I suppose) or just couldn't get them to me. Perhaps I'll just make a fake profile as a boy to give you your own version of this post. Hm..... ;) Deceptive or investigative?

But for the ladies:

The shy guy....seriously all of his photos are like this. Poor thing.

The not so shy guy....personally, I hate these photos. But maybe I'd like them if I was looking for a one night stand and wanted to know what his bed actually looked like before I plan to be seen in it. Who knows.

The extra confident guy:


Mr. Universe, ladies and gentlemen


The married guy, or aka the chicken shit scum bag (oh, I'm sorry. Was that rude? oh well.):

Obvsly, his profile picture is not his actual picture. This is Jeremy Piven from Entourage. In fact, this photo is for the show Entourage and can be found on the 3rd page of Google Images.

The Bitter Benny:



You seriously had no other photo you could have chosen?





















Jacob Black and the rest of the Wolf Pack:

The token hot black man:

He's French & Jamaiican...and it's hot hot hot!

The hot nerd:

His caption: "too good to be true"....no, but for real. This is too much to handle.

The bad asses:

I want their job!

The self-proclaimed rebel:

The artistic, creative, sensitive guy

I actually really like the way that this was taken.

The guys who like to show off their "guns":

Jenna Marbles 'dumb jock' voice: "I like to pick things up and then put them down."

And the ones who actually carry guns:

Well, I think that's a good summary of what's out there. In other news, I had a short freak out this week. I thought I'd been discovered!

For like 2 minutes I was recapping all of my posts wondering what the hell I had said in my blog that would indicate a connection to my profile. Turns out, I know him. (silly me) I just didn't recognize him with big ol' sun glasses on his face. Hey Wes!

So I have absolutely no reason to post this last picture other than it's freaking funny.

Have a great week!

-Yours Truly

No Theme Thursday -- Just Randoms

Happy Thursday everyone! You're so close to the finish line for the work week! Unless you work in the service or retail industry or some other weekend job...then, well...you are on your way! Yeah, that's all I got for you, sorry.

Anyways, I felt uneasy leaving this week off with that last serious post. It was such a Debbie Downer. Gross. But cheer up, old chap! Here are some randoms I put together for your amusement. Enjoy!

So Dr. Evil's cat dropped in for a visit...

Does that make you randy, baby?

I ran a search for men between 23-29 in my area and this was one of the results:





Why don't I believe you?

I'm tying together these next two screen shots to give them a silly title:
It's An Officer and A "Gentleman"...


I don't know whether to look for a fluffy bear or to about-face the other way!



I always wanted to meet a Southern gentleman. Man, What.A.Charmer.

Now, when it comes to messages such as the one below, I used to ignore them (after I take a screen shot of it first of course), but lately I've been responding to see what other kind of information I can get out of these guys. (Expect a full report soon-ish.)



Damn my conservative moral compass! If only I could bring myself to not look at this as a form of prostitution, I'd be all over this like a whore on a...well, you know. (Too far?)

Here is what I learned: this guy SOLELY wants BJs. That's it. Nada mas. I can't decide if he's just attempting to be more STD conscious or just really prefers BJs to sex. Whatever, who knows.

When I opened the message below, I immediately glanced at the picture and assumed (incorrectly) that this was going to be a kind, sweet message. Haha, false.

I mean, how bizarre!

Oh, let me count the ways:

1. Your preference is a webcam visual as opposed to meeting in person....somebody is hoping the camera will add 10 lbs.
2. I actually didn't think he was bad looking but his message clearly indicates that he does.
3. Why did you choose a picture with children in it?? (The children's faces have been professionally fuzzed out in order to protect their identity so as to not be associated with this creepy, insecure man.)

Have a great weekend!

Yours Truly.

Gamble With Me And You'll Not Only Lose, You'll End Up Online In A Public Forum

As I said in my last post, I have someone who I'd like to introduce you all to, without any editing, fuzzy words, nada. This is going to be somewhat brief but I hope the point comes across successfully anyways.

This is *presumably* Dale. Below are the sections of his profile. Feel free to read over all of it but I’m going to point out particular contradictions and just interesting things about it just to get the ball rolling.

Let me just say now, sir. You don't want to gamble your chances with me. I'll take you out before you can Ace of Spades.

So hopefully, you agree with me that something is definitely off about this guy's profile. At the very least, in the interests of a young female participating in online dating. So imagine my surprise (and more) when I received a message from him. This message, in fact...

There are not enough words to describe what went through my brain when I read this. A small summary: "WTF?!?! ... How specific was I in my job description? I know I didn't actually say where I work or even my title...right?"..."How dare this asshole!....so fucking creepy....oh wait, I have a blog on which I can display this and hang this douche bag out to dry.... :)" *screen shots*....and then finally...*blocked*

Least to say, having this blog helped me feel a little better about such a message as this. This is the 21st century! If you are inappropriate and creepy online, you might as well assume it can (and will) be displayed anywhere possible so people know who you really are.

The best thing about the block feature, as I've said before, is that it flags the site to check out this person's content and see if they've done something offensive and can even result in their account termination.Well I hope that happened but just in case, if you're on PoF or any other dating site, keep his picture in the back of your memory.

I know these posts haven't been in the funny realm in a while but it's been an exhausting couple of weeks. However, even so, many of you have asked for a more honest, confrontational approach. Well, here you have it. But don't expect this too often because I prefer the funny stuff. :)

-Yours Truly

I Hate To Break It To You -- We're Not Superman

I usually have a couple of posts written in advance because I'm too ADD to just focus on one topic at a time, and today's post was supposed to be one about kinksters online but Blogspot is being funky and won't let me upload images for the screen shots. So instead, I'm going to move on to my next scheduled topic because I don't really need (or have) pictures of this.

This is going to be more of a serious message but it’s very important for anyone (especially women) who decide to try online dating. We all think we’re invincible sometimes, or more likely that all those scary things we hear about would never happen to us, but the truth is you should always be prepared and have backup. 

Any time I’ve decided to meet up with a person online, I let multiple friends know where I’m going, what time, and I even send a screen shot of their profile—so it shows their picture, username and general description. It’s also always a good idea to tell a friend who happens to live by where you’ve chosen to meet, but I always tell two of my good friends because I know they’ll check in on me no matter what. **Thanks, ladies**

I’ve also started carrying pepper spray on me since a particular occasion, (Yes, I have had an actual **holy sh--, this guy is scary!** moment) and you're finally going to get some details into my personal online dating experiences. You know, the actual dating part of it.

This was my one "holy sheisse" moment on a date. I had met a young man named Josh at the Golfland/Sunsplash in Mesa for go-cart racing. It was a decent time but not too much interaction since we were in separate cars, so we decided to go bowling afterwards. It turned into a very nice evening with laughter and nice gestures. He acted silly when a little kid in the lane next to us was scared to roll his bowling ball so he would laugh. He insisted on paying for my bowling fee and put up a fight when I insisted on paying for our food and drinks.

Finally, I was getting tired and wanted to call it a night. He asked if we could go back to my place to watch a movie. Instantly, I had my defensive senses up and said that wasn't a good idea as we'd already had a very full first date and that could wait for another time. I had driven to the bowling alley so I drove us back to Golfland (by the way, I don't recommend ever joining one another in a car on the first date. This was the first and last time I've never done this.) As we said goodbye, I thought he was leaning in for a kiss and before I could decide whether or not I wanted this to occur, I realized that this was not about to be a kiss. Instead, he placed his hand "gently" -- as if this word should even be bothered to try to characterize this type of situation -- around the front of my neck and said, "Just so you know, I like to be a little dominant." Immediately, I froze up, gasping slightly and he obviously sensed my discomfort because he immediately pulled back. He quickly began explaining himself, saying that he's not really into that kind of stuff but his ex-girlfriend was and always wanted him to participate. What made him think I was like his ex-girlfriend in my bedroom preferences is BEYOND ME! Additionally, I would still find that incredibly inappropriate and especially risky to attempt even bringing up that topic verbally on a first date. All I could say as he turned remorseful and repeatedly said, "oh man, now I've messed this up," was "YUP. Now get out of my car." He tried one last attempt at an exclamation before I cut him off and just said, "Nope!" and pointed to the door handle. The second he was out of my car, my gear was in drive and I was out of there!

Least to say, I was a little frazzled. I know it's bizarre but even when his hand was lifted, I didn't exactly feel in danger. Scared, yes. Not in danger. While this 5'7" was ex-military, he was still rather scrawney and as I said before, didn't have an actual grip on me. While that could have easily changed in an instant, thankfully, it didn't, but I'm still ashamed to admit that my Fight or Flight instinct isn't even Flight but FREEZE (cause that's helpful).

The day after, he texted me a few times, even once from a different number. I didn't bother to respond until I realized he was the unknown number as well. Then, I ever so politely told him to leave me the F*** alone and just accept that this is not going to happen. I blocked him on PoF and never heard from him again. Thank goodness.

By the way, blocking someone on PoF isn't as passive as it sounds. When you block or report someone's profile, it notifes the PoF personnel that this person may have done something offensive. If they find merit within their profile or messages, they will deactivate their account, which is at least a small deterrent against these creepers.  

Lessons/Tips to take away from this:

1.  Let your friends know where you are going and when you expect to be done.
• If you want to be extra cautious, feel free to ask them to text you for check-ins every 45 min or so. It's also very affective to mention to your date, "I told my friend (whats-her-face) that we were coming here and she suggested we try the (whatever you want to order).
2. Never carpool until you get at least on date 3 (that's debatable I suppose but its my rule).
3. Feel free to walk a lady to her car or let a gentleman walk you to yours, but hug or say goodbyes before you unlock and open your door.
4. Carry pepper spray if that makes you feel more comfortabe.

These aren't exactly genius tips above, but like I said, sometimes we just need a little reminder to be extra cautious. 

I know some of you have been waiting for me to straight up put someone on blast so I hope that story satisfied you for the time being. Next time, after Blogspot figures out its Ish, I will post screen shots of someone on PoF whom I have no problem putting on this blog without any editing, no blurring of his username, nada. Because people need to be aware and know who the hell to stay away from.

I hope your New Years Eve was fabulous and the lucky 2013 is starting off well!

Until next time,
Yours Truly